Darling

  Copyright

  4th Estate

  An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  www.4thEstate.co.uk

  This eBook first published in Great Britain by 4th Estate in 2018

  Copyright © Rachel Edwards 2018

  Cover design by Heike Schüssler

  Cover photograph © Getty Images/Peter Chadwick

  Rachel Edwards asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008281113

  Ebook Edition © May 2018 ISBN: 9780008281137

  Version: 2018-04-11

  Dedication

  To Peter

  and

  Patricia, darling Mum

  Epigraph

  ‘If you prick us, do we not bleed?’

  William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  What’s Done is Done

  PART I

  Darling

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  PART II

  Darling

  Dark

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  Darling

  A Thing or Two

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  PART III

  Darling

  Red Flowers

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  Darling

  Lola

  Darling

  What’s Done is Done

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  About the Publisher

  What’s Done is Done

  It took less than six months for everything to fall apart. Six months of fighting, competing, whispering, each of us trying to be better, to love him better.

  I knew she was trouble from the moment I saw her. I felt it as she stood in our doorway that day: disaster. Not just because she was so different – that skin and that hair, as opposite to me as it’s possible to be. More than the way she always looked through me, right past me, straight at him. There was something wrong about her. Wrong for us. We would never fit. It was never going to work.

  I did try. I tried more than anyone will ever know, in my own way. I tried to welcome her. Tried to meet her halfway, like he said. Didn’t get stressy when he locked himself away with her for hours on end, even though I needed him too. Even when I started to get suspicious, when her lies built up around her, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. But before the Christmas storms – over the top, like the crappy clichéd ones they teach you about at school – before the rain and the branches and the roof could fall on the four of us, she was dead.

  She is dead.

  Now only I am left to love him and it’s all my fault.

  PART I

  Darling

  FRIDAY, 24 JUNE 2016

  I ran. Ribcage, feet and thoughts pounding, I ran and ran and kept on running.

  What had we done? Why had we?

  Blue, blue, blue, blue, yellow, yellow, a whole buggeration of blue: on and on the results had flashed up, all the live-long night, and now we were out.

  Fuck it. Brexit.

  Now I needed a fag, I needed my dead mum and I needed a new passport, in that order. The latter two were out of the question, so I had bolted to the supermarket for cigarettes.

  When I reached the doors, I eyed myself in the glass. My lips were mud red. I was puffy, my eyes salt-stained and dry; worst of all I was panting in public. Over-exercised, out-voted, thwarted and screwed, but alive and still here, wherever here was now.

  On the bright side, nothing made you appreciate a fag like a good sprint.

  Two people had arrived before me. There was an old lady wrapped in thick, well-cut mustard – years of knowing that summer mornings could be chilly in this corner of the European Union – tying up her spicy little terrier. And him.

  The woman blanked our smiles but he and I met each other’s eye. I was ready:

  ‘Not long now …’

  He was too:

  ‘Here’s hoping …’ His first words.

  A pause; we were taking our time. I could see up close those cuffs that commanded a second look, the sun-starved wrists, the moon rising from each cuticle. The hair, organised, showed more salt than pepper in that still-shocked light. But these were unimportant details. All I could feel was the pressure, building in the nothing between us. With pressure like that you just knew that the universe, or the Almighty, or whatever the hell, was getting ready to give one mother of a push.

  6.58 a.m. Friday 24 June 2016.

  ‘I’m here for my daughter,’ he began at last. ‘She’s turning sixteen and wants me to get “a tonne of good stuff”, whatever that might mean …’

  ‘It’s her party?’

  ‘Only the sleepover tonight, the main party next week, but I have no—’

  ‘Oi-oi!’

  Just as he was about to tell me what he did not have, we heard it: the unmistakable cadence of trouble. A heap of a man was arriving, belly first; lumping his way down from the high street, prickled scalp tilted high. From where we stood you could see he was a meeting of both triumph and disaster.

  ‘Out! Out!’

  The red face, the glittering glare: joy gone bad. He was coming closer.

  ‘Enger-lurrnd!’ he sang, as three more prickleheads straggled around the corner behind him. ‘En! Ga! Lund!’

  More fat than muscle but still, he was big.

  Then he was nearly upon me, blue marble eyes swivelling, ready to bash at this other thing, this other thing, this dark blot on his brand-new swept street, his clean sheet. A black woman wearing rushed make-up and a look of contempt for his playground punch-up politics.

  He spoke:

  ‘We voted Leave, love. Outcha go!’

  I gaped, eye-level with the chest of this sweaty fiasco. Tattoos all over his thick neck.

  ‘I don’t think there’s any call for that.’

  A voice as dark as my skin, it flowed with a current to it. It was him. This man beside me, feet fight-distance apart but fists at his sides, a heat in that count-to-ten stare.

  All I could think of was the blood spurting on to that pretty suit.

  Then the big man inflated his cheeks and chest, became whale-big. Big of body was a thing for him, you could bet on it, but he liked his ideas small and hard.

  ‘Wotchoo, er fackin’ ’usband?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the suited man, moving closer to my side.

  The eyes swivelled wilder, the disgust too great. A torrent of blood was surely coming – and then the stragglers caught up.

  ‘Trev!’ They swept him along, shambled away, a colourous bobbling of orange and dark red-pink T-shirts. As they rumbled on, with the man-mound clasped in their loving headlock, one mate rubbed his knuckles into the headstubble, and the smallest man pressed a lager can up to Trev’s lips. The meaty fist punched out, now int
o only air, into no one.

  ‘Whoa,’ I said.

  ‘Indeed,’ he said. The laughter lines, the rivulets of skin that danced at each idea that rose behind the eyes, eyes that shone. Yes, he was appalled to the core and embarrassed, but above all relieved he was not them. To make sure I knew it, he offered his smile; one warm poultice for our wound.

  ‘That was scary.’ I stopped short of patting my chest. ‘I have never, ever had that said to me. I was born here—’

  ‘Idiot,’ he said.

  ‘Big mad angry violent idiot.’

  ‘So dumb.’

  ‘As in “referendumb”.’

  ‘Ha, precisely. Don’t worry, though. He’s just one nutter.’

  ‘But he’s clearly swallowed at least two others.’

  He laughed, shook his head. ‘They feel emboldened, they were always going to. It’ll pass.’

  ‘Or get worse.’

  ‘It’ll be fine. We’re all better than that.’

  ‘Well … Thank you.’

  ‘Pleasure.’

  ‘No, seriously.’ It had to be now. ‘How can I ever thank you?’

  ‘Actually …’ he said.

  ‘I always buy them and she pretends not to mind, but she does. I’d be so grateful—’

  ‘I’m not actually going to bake you one, you know!’

  We walked on through the aisles and, laughing, stopped.

  ‘Here we are,’ I said. ‘Look.’

  ‘Great.’ He reached for the nearest factory sponge.

  ‘No, listen.’ I surprised myself with that flirty-bossy tone, me trying to take over his senses so soon. Look … listen … ‘You don’t want a big-brand one with loads of E numbers. Think cricket wife. Wonky, homemade.’

  ‘Oh, but I—’

  ‘Hang on.’ There I went again. ‘This one, with apricot jam. Ah, organic. Perfect.’

  ‘Hold your horses,’ he said. ‘It’s a bit … you know.’

  ‘What?’ I scanned it for flaws.

  ‘A bit …’ He smiled. ‘Naked.’

  ‘Forward,’ I said, walking on.

  We put the nuddy-cake in his trolley and continued, weighing each step.

  ‘Look,’ I said, a few steps later. ‘Icing sugar. You—’

  ‘I ice it myself, slap “Happy Birthday” on it.’

  ‘You catch on quick.’

  ‘Insanely good teacher.’

  ‘Damn right,’ I said.

  ‘Best home-made money can buy.’

  ‘Our secret.’

  ‘Our naked secret.’ He shook his hair out of place. ‘Sorry, way too forward, crass of me …’

  ‘No problem.’ Then, new in this territory, in this changed world, I dared:

  ‘We’re married, remember?’

  His eyes sparked, looked away:

  ‘Whatever happened to our honeymoon?’

  Cloud to ground flashes, electric potential under the strip lighting. An atmosphere. After such a bad night I must have looked jaundiced, a proper fright, but his eyes were saying no such thing. I lowered my gaze, too.

  ‘You don’t even know my name.’

  ‘Care to rectify that?’

  ‘Darling.’

  Delight, disbelief, then that dink of dropping copper. Every time.

  ‘You’re called Darling?’

  Genuine pleasure, as if I’d chosen my ostrich feather of a name just to tickle him under the chin.

  ‘That’s me.’

  ‘I’m Thomas,’ he said and I knew, before he had even unlocked his phone, that my digits would soon be safe inside, if …

  I ran the test.

  ‘Go ahead, you can laugh, my Stevie’s friends find my name hilarious too. He’s five; my little terror.’

  ‘Bet he is,’ he looked down for a moment. Two.

  I counted in my head. Six, and then he said:

  ‘We could meet up sometime. Do you know Andante? The café on Stewart Street?’

  I did. ‘I’ll find it.’

  ‘Could I take your number please, Darling?’

  We met at Andante on the Tuesday; a safe get-together over coffee. We knocked around a little conversation like beginners playing pool. I did not smoke. Small sips, no clattering spoons. Then, someone else’s boldness breaking through: honeyed nibbles, unasked-for struffoli doughnuts which the owner brought to our table, flushed and apologising for the interruption, telling us that they meant all our Christmases had come that very morning. It was impossible not to give sweeter, more rounded smiles after that. Fortified, we ventured opening gambits, a brisk mapping out of our positions. I told him I was a trained nurse, and lived alone with Stevie; he was an architect, father to sixteen-year-old Lola and the widower of one Tess. The next time, Friday cinema, brought kisses that were warm if prosaic. I believe we wondered if it could be enough. Did we still carry the seeds for so much possibility? We were hardly teens, after all.

  We went back to Andante twice the next week. He dropped in on the way back from the office; the first time I left Stevie with Ange, and then the next time with Demarcus, his father. Thomas revealed that this café had become his preferred thinking space in recent years, somewhere to be when Lola was out and he did not want to sit at home alone. In the battered leather and wood landscape we pitched our hopes on common ground. We drip-dropped our thoughts, tongue-felt the body of the house blend. Short, untroubled dates, tuned and timed so I could leave with a little regret, not too much, go home to breathe in secret smoke and marvel.

  The second evening at Andante, a confession:

  ‘I never loved my wife enough.’

  After that, a kiss that mattered. A little too much. Slow and familiar, rude and strong, not so dull as to be perfect; a real headfuck of a sensation, a first. It lifted us. We opened ourselves up to the times that might come after that moment; to possibility.

  We stayed up.

  Later, in the smallest hours, I dropped the DMD bomb.

  ‘Stevie has this … He’s been diagnosed with Duchenne muscular dystrophy.’

  ‘God, what?’

  Guilt. Always that pressed-down guilt at tagging the disease on to my son’s little life like some fucked-up medical degree: Stevie White, DMD. But that’s just how it was: one day you were considering the diagnosis and – pow! – your Wonderboy’s future was punched into the ether.

  ‘Yes. Sorry, this is hard.’

  ‘Take your time.’

  I hesitated. I would indeed take time to explain everything to Thomas: DMD takes time.

  ‘DMD is a muscle-wasting disorder, a serious one, that mostly affects boys. It’s progressive. The weakness in the thighs starts at around age five. It makes walking more difficult and climbing the stairs, balancing … and obviously running …’

  ‘Poor kid.’

  ‘His callipers, or KAFOs – knee-ankle-foot orthoses – make life easier, although Stevie has better balance than most. Terrible rhythm though …’

  (Badaboom! Nerve-soothing black joke for new boo.) I raised my sights, determined not to falter before I had picked off the devastating facts.

  ‘It is not curable—’

  ‘Really? God, but—’

  ‘No. It takes and takes until you have to think about things like sitting, ventilation, fractures and swallowing.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It is rare. Affects 1 in 3,500 males and … the average life expectancy of DMD boys is twenty-seven years.’

  ‘Shit.’

  Yes, Duchenne takes time; all of it, in the end. But that was why Stevie would hear over and over that he was my boy, my lovely little one. As long as he stayed my baby, he would be safe.

  ‘So you see, Thomas,’ I said. ‘Every moment counts.’

  ‘I do see. Oh. Darling.’

  And just like that, I was not alone.

  Entangling my limbs with his, I brightened the tone:

  ‘It’s fine. Stevie and I talk about it, you know? We even laugh, get silly about it. He doesn’t need to know it all. I tell h
im, “I will look after you always, sweetness. No need to worry, ever.”’

  ‘That’s good. And his splints, his callipers, does he have to …’

  ‘His “superlegs”, you mean? Yes, he wears his KAFOS all day long to help him, but none of that is a problem, I take care of it all.’

  ‘You’re a great mum.’

  ‘We’ve had some fantastic support, too. These girls, they call themselves Stevie’s Wonders and they’re a miracle, really. About eight months ago, I told this new nurse, Paula, about Stevie’s diagnosis and next thing all her young student mates started fundraising for him. They’ve raised over £12,000 so far. Amazing, isn’t it?’

  I went on to tell him how my son had tried a ‘Wonderburger’ at the launch barbecue – cheese and double bacon! – how I had a framed photo of him with smears of it all over his smiley chin. How the girls had got serious about that smiley chin and next thing done a sponsored bike ride; how boyfriends had joined in with some extreme ironing stunt up a big hill; how a newsletter had emerged. Soon to come was a marathon walk, maybe something in the High Desford Gazette. It was without a doubt the most wonderful miracle.

  ‘They sound ace,’ said Thomas.

  ‘Yes, they are, totally. But’ – I eased up on an elbow – ‘I have never wanted Stevie’s needs to be anyone else’s problem. Do you get me? He’s my responsibility.’

  Thomas raised himself up to meet my eye. ‘I get you. But help – support – is always better. Right?’

  I kissed him in place of a reply. Stevie had always been my responsibility. I was still the one who needed to make everything all right for him. Our generous, warm, bacon-fat days together were destined to be short. Moreover, Duchenne’s was carried in a female carrier but overwhelmingly it affected the male offspring. Passed on, from the mother to the son. I was responsible, in the eyes of those who judged such things. All my fault. I was his cherisher, I had to be, whatever might happen, whatever had happened.

  ‘He’s a good boy, my baby. You’ll like him.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Thomas. ‘He does sound wonderful. You’re … Come here.’

  After that night, I slapped on nicotine patches and chewed punitive mints after meals. By our third Friday we were doing dinner at the proper-bonkers Lunar (my next test for him: they name tapas-sized Portuguese dishes after dwarf planets and the décor is holiday-misadventures-on-acid, but the guy can cook). He saw past all the crazy-name petiscos, straight to me. And me? I could barely see past the mental fug of non-smoking and the heat-haze from Pluto’s pataniscas de bacalhau, or think past our awed mouths, or get past this interior tightening, this fresh hot-blooded ache …